she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
We just took shots out of seashells. Welcome spring break 10.
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
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