I want to kish your cheek
My cheeks are in Michigan
Oh my lips are kind of stretchy
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
Randomize
