I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Randomize
