operation harelip BJ is a go
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
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