The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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