I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
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