I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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