i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
Randomize
