it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
even my farts smell like vagina
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
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