i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
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