My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
Randomize
