So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
Randomize
