Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
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