Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
It all started with a game of naked twister.
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
Randomize
