is your mom at the bar?
wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
is wine microwaveable?
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
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