The look your mother gives you when she sees you masterbating on web cam is unlike any I've seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
Best orgasm I ever had! I though we totally connected and I asked him to stay over. He went back to the sigma chi house and returned with his blankie and a 40. please help
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
Randomize
