Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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