Why does Jon Cryer have a career?
That is a good question.
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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