Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
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