I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
Randomize
