A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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