Small Doughy Asian men and sleeveless hoodies with nothing underneath do not mix well.
Sounds like the climatic scene of my favorite erotic novel.
Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
Randomize
