I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
He is an equal opportunity slut.
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
