Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
