Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Randomize
