Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
the girl next to me in class is drawing a guy banging a chick doggy style...its very detailed
I don't plan to be alive for 2010 so ima say this 12 hours early. Happy New Year bitches
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
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