I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
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