3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
i hope S**** or M***** or someone took note of the fact that i was drinking popov like water and could no longer form sentences. i mean, dont get me wrong i had been thinking about boning R*** long before my sobriety left the picture but the number of reasons not to, outweighed the temptation and without sir robert burnett as R***'s wingman, it would have never happened
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Randomize
