You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
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