Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
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