My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Randomize
