Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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