final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
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