I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT