Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
Randomize
