I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
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