I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
I would say the hottest chick there looked like Susan Boyle and the ugliest like Bea Arthur
Nice use of current day folklore
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
