do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
