Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
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