there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize
