now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
Jenna is yelling bc of the condom wrappers and cum stains. This is the 3rd and last time you have sex in my roommates bed.
Randomize
