I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
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