How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
Its what im here for. Critiquing penis photos.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Randomize
