You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
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