if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
It usually only happens when Im really excited. Normally not that fast. You still enjoy it?
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
Randomize
