My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
i read his ps3 instant messaging thing... he's meeting a guy to have sex. i think your boyfriend's gay
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