Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
About tomorrow. if it dosent fit dont force it. Just pushit as far as you can and i'll wiggle the rest of the way
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Randomize
