I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
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