My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
seeing two hook-ups in tagged in the same picture will send chills down anyone's spine.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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