Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
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