I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
Randomize
