its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
Randomize
