He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
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