I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
I just sucked dick on a ferry
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
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