So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Randomize
