My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
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