Thong +tight pants =hungry butt. Not a good look on big women! Walmart sucks.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
Randomize
