Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
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