Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
My penis needs a shock collar
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
Randomize
