Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
her nipple to breast ratio was just odd
high people should be assigned attendants
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
