I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
This teachers last name is pfister and she did the fisting motion to help explain how to pronounce her name. This class might be good
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
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