I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
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