Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
What happened to him?
He was walking right behind us then disappeared.. turns out he checked his luggage at a night club, continued to drink and dance, then slept on the 4th floor of some museum
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
He has the fingertips of a God
Randomize
