Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
