Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
Randomize
