I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
Help. Why am I so naked?
Randomize
