made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
Randomize
