before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
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