I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
Randomize