does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
Randomize
